Not without you
by hjemmelavet
Summary: My life can be divided into two parts. The time before her and the time after her." My own creation without any reference to a serie: A lovepair is separated and the one who is left behind has to make a tuff decision. Dedicated to Tatjana.


I'm on my own now.

People say you only feel like this in love and in death – and the day you are born. You leave your home –the mother's stomach- and are thrown into another world.

Right now I feel just like that.

I'm alone now.

I must face the devils on my own. You're gone. For so long we were a pair, a team – got through everything good and bad together. But not anymore. I don't know why you left me. No, of course I know, but I decide not to. It's easier to act like I cannot understand why you'd gone. Easier to run than to fight the enemies inside of me.

Yeah, you might call me a coward, but the time of fighting is over. I did fight for a very, very long time. But not anymore. My time as a fighter is over, vanished in my memories.

I want to start a new life today. I have to, because you're gone now. Today, I have to start the part of my life without you.

_Goodbye my love. _

…

_My life can be divided into two parts. The time before her and the time after her._

…

I never felt like giving up in my life. I was always the boy in town with the widest smile, the brightest hope and the biggest dreams for his future. My mother called me an unbelievable optimist, but my dad always called me stupid. But neither one of them was able to stop me from doing what I want, when I want and with whom I want.

Until she stepped into my life.

She was the most remarkable person you can think of, or let's say – I can think of.

I was in my last College year and life was nothing but a party to me. I loved to dance and at that evening I did so, until I couldn't feel my feet anymore. When I was about to sit down, a glass of whiskey in my hand, I saw her for the first time.

Full, red lips, deep blue eyes, brown hair, curled up in a knot. Her mouth wide open in a bursting laugh, arms swinging at her sides. I always loved the combination of blue eyes and brown hair, but this evening – I totally fell for it.

She gifted me with the most remarkable smile I ever saw. She seemed perfect to me and her smile went right into my heart.

All in all, I lost my heart to this woman right at the second I saw her.

My problem: I didn't know her name. So I went to my best friend in order to get some information about the beautiful girl. And when I came back – she was gone.

For the next several months, my life changed a lot. I didn't go to parties, I lost contact with many of my former best friends and became the kind of person I always laughed at. A lonesome person. I hided in my room, distant from the outside, never let anyone into my heart again.

My heart was lost – to a girl I only saw once. Rose. I knew her name since the day she left without a word. Later I was informed that she had just visited her cousin – a collegian of mine. But she never returned.

My friends and my family laughed at me at first said there was no chance I would stay in love with a girl I never even talked to. But I did. My love remained the same. For a day, a week, months, even years.

After college I moved to L.A., only to see that there wasn't anything for me. So I moved back to town. I tried to live my life as if I never met Rose, but it was hard. Three years after I was back home again, I was working for a paper company and was nearly able to live a normal life. At least I became addicted to pretending so.

And then, on a rainy day in December, my life changed again. I was on my way back home from work – walking as I loved to do so. After I passed 'Daisy's Diner' I ran into a woman. She was wearing a yellow raincoat, perfectly for this kind of weather, but she had problems with her umbrella. Just in the moment I went by, it flew away into my direction. I didn't know, whether I caught it, or she did, because in the next moment she was at me and we were both holding the stem of her umbrella.

'Sorry' was all she said and tried to move away from me.

Right at that moment my life changed, all went upside down: It was Rose.

The next few months went by and my only aim was to date the most beautiful woman I met in my entire life. But Rose wasn't game for anything and it was harder than I thought. I never had thought about what to do if I saw her again. But know I put all my hope into getting Rose interested in me and finally, after half a year, it worked. We dated, had fun while riding motorcycles, drinking beer and watching old movies – it was just perfect.

And then came the best day of my life: Rose agreed on marring me.

Rose. I will never forget you, my love.

…

On our wedding day the weather decided to like us and the sun was shining powerful, more than average power of December. I know a marriage in December? But we decided to marry on the day we met the second time, on the street, rain pouring down our bodies.

The 6th of December was the most beautiful day in my life. Rose, dressed in a snow-white dress, her eyes darting on to me, her lips on mine, our bodies entangled in each other, her presence next to mine.

I felt great. And I believed my love couldn't grow any stronger than in this moment.

I was wrong. Now she was finally mine, my love grew stronger and stronger. With each day we spent together my love seemed to grow a bit more. The next forty years were the best in my life. Of cause, we had our problems, smaller fights, misunderstandings and things like jealousy and fear to lose the other.

But all in all I couldn't wish for a better matrimony, a better life.

…

Then the day came, where we were finally separated.

…

I know, I should be glad, that the pain is over. You suffered a lot during the last months, the last year. But it is hard.

It is hard, to let go.

To say goodbye to your loved one.

To embrace the woman you loved your whole life for a last time.

To drop your mouth to a last kiss. Unreturned. Unanswered.

You were too weak to answer me, to show me your unending love, but nevertheless I know.

I know that you loved me from the bottom of your heart.

I know that there was never anyone you preferred to grow old with.

I know you never regretted marrying me.

I know you loved me, Rose.

And I know you are waiting for me.

…

_My life can be divided into two parts. The time before her and the time after her._

…

The part with her was the most beautiful I can ever imagine. It was a forty years long part. A part I really enjoyed living.

But today, I have to start the part of my life without you.

But this part won't take long.

Just one last breath and I will be with you again. I cannot stand a life without you, my love. I promised to hold you from the day of our marriage, for better and for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health until death do us part.

But my love will not end with your death. I promised you to stay at your side. And now I will do so.

Rose, I will come to you now.

_Welcome me, my love._

_

* * *

_

_This story is dedicated to my best friend Tatjana and her great love. _

_I hope your fate won't be the same as Rose's, but I wanted to let you know, how happy you and Jan seem to me. I hope you won't be separated and live a long, happy life – together. _

_All my love, Ines._


End file.
